What your 2-3 year old really needs

I was holding a crying 3 month old on one arm and attempting to get dinner started in the kitchen. The 4 and 5 year olds were racing around me saying, “Look Mommy! Look!” while they repeated their silly antics over and over again for me. My phone dinged, adding to the noises in the room, but I didn’t even bother to take a glance at it.

In that moment, the 2.5 year old, my third born, hoisted himself onto the couch in the living room. His round face was serious, and his voice began a plea. “Someone, someone,” he called out.  With all the noise of the moment, I didn’t really notice what was happening at first. But his voice got louder and louder as he just said that one word, “Someone, someone,” over and over.

It was his toddler way of asking for attention, and after that, whenever the house was especially chaotic, he would repeat this behavior.

“Why does he do it in the craziest moments?” I puzzled to my husband.  “I know he’s asking for attention, but I’m just not sure how to give him enough.”

The truth was, it broke my mama heart whenever Michael resorted to sitting on the couch calling out, “Someone,” because it was so pathetic. I felt like a failure in those moments.

I began talking to other moms, those who had kids older than mine, and asking what I could do to help my little middle child. I had never had this struggle with the older two children, because they were born just one year apart, and I spent hours a day on the floor teaching and playing with them. Their toddler hearts were full with lots of love, affirmation, and quality time spent with mom.  But by the time I was caring for four little munchkins, there simply wasn’t that amount of time to spend–unless, of course, I hired a maid to clean the house and cook our dinners.

{I went and found a picture of Michael from this age, just so you could see his sweet 2.5 year old face. 😉 }

There were two pieces of advice that I received from the mamas I talked to, and this advice made all.the.difference. for my little guy. Beyond making a difference for Michael, we employed exactly the same method for Caleb when he turned 2 and started a similar behavior.  He never sat on the couch calling out, but he did stand at my feet at all times, asking to be held, crying when I couldn’t hold him because my hands were full.

Here are the two things that made such a difference for my boys between the ages of 2 and 3.

What I discovered is that around the age of 2-3, kids want to find their place in the family. They want to feel needed and they want to feel secure in your love. They need both of these elements, love and security. Here’s what we did to fill those needs.

Of note: Please don’t do these things for a week and expect to notice a difference. It takes weeks or even months of consistency to start seeing the fruits of your efforts, but I promise it is 100% worth it!!

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1 – Invite your little one to join you.

The concept here is that they’re always asking to be with you– but you can flip it around and invite them into your space instead. This gives them the security that, “Mom wants me around. She likes being with me.”
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This sounds so basic, and it is. But it’s easier said than done. Quickly grabbing things from the pantry and fridge to get dinner on the table is much easier without a 2.5 year old standing on a bench by the counter “helping” you, or sitting on the counter poking their finger in your ingredients while you try to mix it all together.  Throwing in a load of laundry is much faster when you can do it at the rapid speed of an adult, rather than handing one piece of wet laundry at a time to a toddler, and letting them place it in the dryer.

If you want to see the biggest difference in your toddler, have them constantly by your side for days and weeks in a row.  What you’ll notice over time is that when they know they can be with you anytime they want–they’ll be secure enough to play on the floor with toys while you work, and soon they’ll be in the next room playing or looking through board books while you work through your chores at the rate you used to.

2 – Give your little one responsibility

A daily task, a simple chore, that they are required to do daily. Why? It is a normal human longing to be needed and to be a part of something bigger than oneself. Even at such a young age, they can’t explain it in words, but they gain a sense of belonging by being expected to do something to help the family. If they feel like, “My family needs me,” this builds a great amount of confidence and belonging.

For Michael this played out in a funny way.  Kenny & Addie had little chores around the house, but Michael hadn’t been given any daily tasks. After receiving the advice to give him a chore that he could take ownership of, we decided to have him empty the little bathroom trash can.

At 2.5 years old, he dragged his feet, and whined about his chore.  I would cheerfully say, “We’re a team. You need to help the fam bam.”

One day he answered back, “But I don’t want to help the fam bam!”

No matter your child’s initial response to being given a daily task, know that you are helping them to feel like a valuable and needed part of the family.

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At age two child #1 and #2 were always with me, they were expected to help, and I had the time to do things slowly so they could do them with me–but it takes lots of intention and resolve to slow down your tasks enough once you have 3 or 4 children and so many things to tend to.

My child #3 is almost 6 years old now, and is so very contented and settled into his place in our family.  He is noticed, loved, and needed.

Child #4 went through the exact same phase at age 2, but this time I didn’t have to call up any other moms and say, “What can I do with my whiny 2-year old?”  I simply started the process of inviting him in and giving him responsibility and watched him transform over the course of time.

He has a couple of daily chores he can do with no help. He loves to help me at the counter, but often he’ll stay a few minutes then run off to play with the others.  He knows I’m available for him whenever he needs me–and that I love to spend time with him. I’ve proved it in his mind. He’s secure. He’s loved. He’s needed.